by Marcia Nathai-Balkissoon
Photo: Hung Pham on unsplash.com
I had an online meetup with a friend earlier this month. I have admired her for years. She is self-confident, loving, well-travelled, and intelligent. She has been consistently enhancing her health and strength so that she looks like she is in her 50s, when she is actually in her 70s. The call began with her berating herself for being stupid over and over again. She’d had some glitches connecting on the call and she was frustrated and blaming herself. She continued telling me how much of a failure she was and listing the things she can never do well enough. The more I pointed out her strengths, the more she discounted them and listed her perceived failings. My heart broke for her. I saw myself in her.
In childhood, I was so concerned with what other people would think of me that I measured myself intensely before they could get the chance. I wanted to avoid being hit by the teacher at school so I wrote out my spelling words fifty times in a copybook. I wanted to avoid being shamed for losing marks in a test so I stayed in my room studying more and more and played outside less and less.
By adulthood, the vortex of negative living had expanded. I wanted to get a good job so I pushed myself harder. I wanted to get a promotion so I never reported the bullying coworker because I would come across as weak. I worked longer hours. I spent less time preparing healthy meals so I could put more time into the work I brought home. I felt angry if my husband asked me to take a break to see to something in our home. I could not see mistakes and failures as launch pads for leveling up; to me they were only proof of my inadequacy.
Are you overly judgmental toward yourself? Of course there is a need for us to be honest with ourselves to spot our weaknesses and admit when we need help or when we need to improve. If you had a friend who flagellated himself, wouldn’t you immediately seek to shore him up and be empathetic toward him? So, how is it that you don’t consistently offer the same kind of love to yourself as you do to others? You deserve to see your own light and potential. You deserve to receive your own loving-kindness. Nurturing yourself better outfits you to nurture others.
Be gentle with yourself, my friend. Correction: be gentlest with yourself.